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2023, September, Issue 64
I'm holding some sort of sadness,
As I gaze at the newborn day
As beauty unfolds in the moment,
In the moment,
As the sound of crows
As this great cycle of madness,
Madness takes hold once more,
Knowing I must be here now,
For there's something I must do
Before light takes me
A poem spontaneously composed on the Autumnal Equinox, 2023
These past few days, I’ve been experiencing some potentially life-ending health issues, once again. I’m not even slightly worried about dying; however, when my heart stops and starts, going wild to the point where I need to go into the hospital, my first thought is that I haven’t done what I intended to do, when I came back into this life. My purpose is to help people learn who they really are. It seems that I’ve been too cautious in my approach, not doing enough.
When I was in the death bardo, I could see this task of coming back, helping people to awaken, would provoke many attacks. Even so, I felt great compassion for those who had previously attacked me, to the point where I’ve started to realize that my own reluctance to teach is what they wanted all along. I’m giving power to people who have wished me the worst. If I begin to teach formally, there would certainly be shrieking and outrage from those who have previously attacked me. My health issues are their great achievement.
Well, to hell with them; and, thinking this is also Bodhicitta, as it removes an obstacle that is preventing me from bringing benefit. Why should I care what they think, when their mission is egotistical and dark. Spiritual Materialism is a problem that, if let to rise unabated, will continue to cause harm. I apologize for taking so much time.
I should also mention that my master, Namkhai Norbu, was aware of what happened to me: being attacked as a Sangha leader before I met him, realizing the Nature of Mind, becoming Dharmakaya for an eternity, practicing as he taught me to cure my own cancer. He was very sorry that I’ve been so extensively traumatized; however, he gently coaxed me by saying that maybe I should consider teaching a small number of people, maybe just five. I told him that I would consider this in the future, but that the open wound of trauma is still quite painful. I was very reluctant, despite agreeing to speak in front of many groups.
Today, with the creation of this poem, my intention is to teach, to not hold anything back from this point onward. I’m a Dzogchenpa and a Délok, which, I think makes me qualified all by itself. I’ve also spent an eternity as Dharmakaya, which, although not something that coincides with institutional authority, is a much better qualification than they can ever hope to offer. I don’t have much time to piss around, worrying about people who have caused such immeasurable damage to so many, myself and others. I also certainly don’t need to seek any sort of approval from organizations or teachers who don’t know what to do with me, or will simply send me away, as has already happened with some.
If you’ve witnessed my talks, know that I was holding back, showing concern for my detractors, carefully selecting my words, so that this or that person would have less reason to object. For this, I apologize. I’m moving much too slowly; and, with these recent attacks, I realize that there is no way to win with some people. They will just have to be unhappy with me, because others are waiting. This is a great relief.
With my current illness, I feel that a gyalpo, or a malicious energetic being, is attacking me from a distance. This may be the same gyalpo who attacked my master for many years. It’s just something that I feel, not something that I know for sure. Well, if you’ve read The Frog, you know that my Spiritual Practice is infused with sisu, which means that I have the sort of tenacity where others give up. I refuse to give up. Even if it is something that would kill an ordinary person, when it happens to me, I refuse to quit, retreat, or die, reflecting that energy back, utilizing all my abilities of perseverance and grit. With this attitude, an attack actually makes me stronger. I encourage everyone to develop sisu as part of your Spiritual Practice. Never give up.
As my health improves, I will start adding podcasts, or a talk or two on Facebook. At the moment, I’m still resting, working with my health professionals to figure out how to bring my heart back to normal. Life is a tremendous gift, one that should not be taken lightly. Even though my death experience was incredibly wonderful, I don’t crave returning to the death bardo. Bodhicitta means that I must stay here for now, and I must do better.
I’m sorry if you were expecting more and I wasn’t able to meet that expectation. For those of you who are seeking teachings from me, I’m here for you now. Together, we will awaken.
Blessings in Light,